Someone recently asked me why I feel the need to publicly write about my grief? At first, I will admit, that question kind of ruffled my feathers a bit, but it’s a valid question. She wasn’t asking me after all, why I felt the need to write at all. I think the therapeutic nature of writing has well been established and accepted.
Is it therapeutic for everyone? Of course not! For some, writing is about as much fun as manipulating spreadsheets is for me. Zilch! But after pondering her question, I think my answer is a mish mash of a lot of different things.
1. American culture doesn’t really have a tradition of acknowledging someone in mourning. It was once commonplace for a widow to wear black for a full year. I think there was something beautiful in that. Mourning garments were easily recognizable, and I am sure it thereby offered the mourner grace. It’s been a little over 3 months for me, and while grief in general sucks, I am fully aware that I have been exceptionally blessed.
I was able to take 10-weeks to try and get my life and my head together before going back to work, which is a luxury of the highest order denied many. I also have an amazingly strong network of friends and a stellar faith family who have & continue to support me in countless ways! But do I feel 100% myself again after 14 weeks? Heck no! Do I still choke up at the darndest times? Yes. Did I have a full out boo-hoo session into the scruff of my very squooshy dog’s neck JUST the other night? Yes!
But I know Cosbo 🐶 will never talk smack about me or make me feel weak for again being knocked sideways & onto my knees by grief. Grief is a sneaky B****! But still, I think wearing something that identified me as ‘in mourning’ would be helpful. I think it would explain my state of mind now, and cut me some slack here and there for those who don’t know me well, but then again, we live in a broken world, and perhaps mourning garb today would just make widows targets for scamming. I mean I already question if I’m getting taken advantage of every now and again. Like did I really need 4 new tires this week??
2. By sharing my journey, I am finding comfort and common ground with others who are grieving or have grieved the loss of someone they love. There is a kinship between mourners. Like Harry Potter who was able to see the thestral horses because he had experienced the loss of his parents, mourners are now all a part of the same sad club, and we will forever see things differently than our friends and family who have been fortunate enough to have not gone through this hell yet.
There is also comfort and camaraderie knowing you aren’t the only one who is hurting and that there are others out there who just sort of “get it.” Plus, grief is not often talked about in our society today, so none of us really know how to comfort and support those who are grieving. And so, I guess I am also trying to share my journey to serve as one relatable experience for others to help them understand and empathize with people in their lives, should they or someone they know experience deep loss.
3. And finally, I think I am enjoying sharing my journey, because I loved Jamey so much. I love talking about him. I love talking with other people who loved Jamey. I think that the sadness one feels is in direct proportion to the love that was lost, and just like when you are giddy with new love and want the world to know, I want the world to know that I lost a great love, a great man, a great friend, & a fantastic father to our girls. It still boggles my mind that he is not coming home ever again. It boggles my mind that the world keeps spinning and that time keeps moving on, and look out, ⚠️ the holidays are right around the corner, but Jamey isn’t.
And to further support my weekly practice of public journaling, I will share an excerpt I read in one of my daily meditations about grief called, 'Healing After a Loss.'
“To read the works of others who have gone through grief is another way of keeping the process going, and of finding another understanding friend. When a writer describes for me how I’m feeling, she or he becomes, my friend; I am not alone. Somehow if that person has achieved some peace with the pain, enough to write it down. Maybe I too, will find my way through this.” - Martha Whitmore Hickman.
My hope is to not only write the pain out of my heart, but be a friend in grief to others and maybe encourage other believers in their own struggles when they read how I believe He (with a capitol H) is walking with me & continues to strengthen me.
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