I literally just woke up crying. It sucks so much trying & mostly holding it together all day, only to have my subconscious wake me up crying in my sleep, & that’s only after it finally allowed me to sleep in the 1st place.
I feel like I’ve been doing so👌🏻 “ok” lately. I’ve even had spells of happiness, & I thought 💭 I can do this. We, the girls & I, can do this.
But I guess, two steps forward & one step back, is still at least one step forward, right? 🦶
After wrestling with insomnia for three + hours, I finally gave up & turned on the light (a sad perk of sleeping alone) to do my Bible study. In a better place, & with a new sense of peace & calm, I was able to go back to sleep only to have a Jamey dream.
Several friends have shared their Jamey dreams with me. Theirs are always happy & contain messages from Jamey about how he feels grrrrrreat, & how heaven is awesome! Now I’ve had a few Jamey dreams myself, but they are very infrequent, & they have yet to be happy. They have moments of happy, like in one he hugged me, in another we held hands which was so marvelous. It’s amazing how much I miss hugs & hand holding, but no messages of peace or love 💕 or instructions from above are ever shared with me.
In this last one, he & I were sitting at a table together going through the mail. (Can you say mundane??) I opened & read a sympathy card while he watched me. I can still see his face in my head watching me react to the card. I started holding back tears & clinching my fists. (I’m not sure I even clinch my fists ✊🏻 in real life, but again, cue the warped subconscious.) He asked me “What is it?” I told him about the card & started explaining that it just hurt so, so much. Then he asked me if I still loved him. 😳 As if I could EVER not! And all I could do in my dream was close my eyes 👀 & nod yes over & over while tears 😭poured out of my eyes. I woke up like that, all wet faced & sad.
So, yay! Here I am, all rested & refreshed & ready to face another day, but with a bit of guilt woven in. I tell you, this whole widow’s walk is complicated for sure. Sometimes I feel strong & capable for holding it together and making plans for the future, mostly plans Jamey & I had already discussed as possible options I should consider, but still plans. Other times, I feel guilty for feeling hopeful about those plans, for living without him. I’ve been told how blessed I am. I know that to be true. But it’s not like I wouldn’t trade my blessings for a chance to rewind my path & change directions if I could, but I can’t, and the last time God & I talked, earlier this morning, He wasn’t asking me for advice or any navigational tips.
I know I most certainly didn’t choose to walk this path, & I’m just shuffling along as best as I can figure out how. Some days, heck some moments, are better than others. Some days, again truly some moments, I’m stronger than others, but it apparently is not yet my turn to pass through the veil, so I’m just keeping on, putting one foot in front of the other & seeing where I end up, but walking forward doesn’t mean I don’t ache or that I don’t still love. It means life keeps going, & so too must I, regardless of what my subconscious self is throwing at me.
But I do think I’ll pause for a bit soon & tend to a bit of personal business. It’s time to prep that wicked & backstabbing subconscious of mine for upcoming sale. I envision my marketplace post sounding something like, ‘For Sale: One Twisted, but in “Good” Condition (you have to sugar coat things in sales, right?) Subconscious. All offers will be considered, because this one is no longer serving me or my heart ❤️🩹 well.
😢
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